Hitori Janai Yo
by aznpride16xx
Summary: I felt lonely every single day of my life, but I was too afraid to admit it to the people who cared for me. But now I am not alone.


**Meilin: Minna-san, I have been away for some time and I apologize, but I'm almost done with this darn college class of mine. This is just a simple one-shot about what's happening in Utau's mind at the moment. It's not like the other fics I've written but I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some feedback.**

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**Hitori Janai Yo**

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I last wrote in here. I guess because there hasn't been much to say since that day I tried to…you know, suffocate myself. Every single day seemed like it was not even worth living. I woke up, got ready for school, sat in class taking pointless notes, went home and slept, and repeated the same sequence over again the next day.

I tried to break that cycle once when I tried to put myself into an everlasting slumber. I tried to cut off my air flow before I went to bed. It was horrible not being able to breathe, but it sucked_ because_ I was able to breathe , if that made any sense. In other words, I failed. Then I woke up again and got ready for school. Shocker.

I can't remember what happened at the beginning of the semester. Heck, I can hardly remember any details of yesterday - probably because nothing significant happened in my life. I felt like life was dragging on and my existence was wasting space. I felt so meaningless. I hated it, but I didn't know how to change it.

Another semester rolled around and I still didn't have friends after the first couple weeks of class. I didn't really put myself out there to make any, so I guess I can't complain. I didn't want to make new relations with anybody; because once you find yourself attached to someone they leave you behind. At least, that was what it felt like to me. I've had a few "best friends" disappear from my life without explanation and it hurt, more than it should have.

I felt lonely every single day of my life, but I was too afraid to admit it to the people who cared for me. Expressing myself was never something I was good at anyway.

A new year began for me a little over eleven weeks ago and it was definitely something I did not expect whatsoever. I was invited into a study group, me, a loner. How did that even happen and what made me accept it? Who knows, maybe I just wanted to turn my life around. I was tired of being unhappy. I don't know if it was Kami-Sama or simply pure luck on my part, but I think joining this group was one of the best choices I've made in a long time. Nagi, Ikuto and Kairi were the names of the guys.

A few days into the next week, another guy was introduced to the gang. At first, I thought he was really young, but it turned out that he's around my age. He's just a couple months younger than me, but it made no difference. I believe his name was Kuukai. He was a cutie, I must admit.

He was quiet when he came to meet us, but he wasn't as quiet as I had originally thought. I also didn't expect him to ask me to be his dance partner and then later, his significant other. I gladly accepted, of course. Again, another good choice I made this year.

Now we're up to the present day and … Oh my goodness, I almost forgot to mention that he likes anime and origami! That is a bonus. You don't see many of those nowadays. You wouldn't really expect me to like those things either, but I do and he does too. I think this one is a keeper. ;)

Kuukai is really easy going and fun to be around. He's really sweet and caring, always watching out for me and looking after his friends and I think it's the most adorable thing ever. Ew…I'm starting to sound really girly.

But in all seriousness, he brought the long lost smile back to my face (eh, it's still not all the way back, but I'm working on it). Being next to him or knowing that he's there for me puts my mind at ease. He's definitely got my back and has done a lot for me already, whether he knows it or not. And I definitely need to give back to him somehow for all the times he made my existence feel needed. I really think that this will work out. Somehow we just click.

Well, I'm running out of time so I have to go now. I have some plans regarding Kuukai today. A birthday lunch perhaps? But you can bet that there will be more adventures to come with Kuukai…and ramen. Yes, more adventures and ramen.

Maybe I'll log in again one day. Thanks for listening, Diary.  
Until next time,

~Utau

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**Meilin: So the reason why I wrote this story was because it's my boyfriend's birthday today and it's kind of like my birthday card to him. It's been a while since I've felt genuinely happy and it's thanks to him and my classmates. So thank you to them. :)  
And for those who've been following me for the past couple years, you know he's my first relationship and I just wanted to do a little something to make his day a little more special. So if you guys could, no review for my fic needed, I'd appreciate it if you could wish him a Happy Birthday. I'm going to show this to him later. Onegai. Arigatou gozaimasu! ^.^**


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